In his short time as a solo artist, the maverick rapper has:
-Claimed that "Globalisation is a euphemism for imperialism"
-Slammed England football hero Gazza, as "a figure of pity, burning out early and running on empty"
-Glorified drug and gang culture, claiming "When I grow up, I want to be a drug dealer"
-Infuriated Police Chiefs and citizens' groups alike with his anti-Police diatribes, such as "We're non-violent, but we need some release, that's why We come in peace, shouting 'Fuck The Police'"
-Insulted our war heroes and everything they fought and sacrificed and died for, seething "You can fuck your Stars and Stripes and the Union, Jack – we want our planet back."
Bungling Home Office officials were forced to admit last night that it would be impossible to deport Mr. Blizzard as he was born in Bristol, in the UK. His 2002 conviction for Drunk and Disorderly behaviour was also not enough to deport him to a country where he would almost certainly face torture, once a suitable one had been found.
"When will the government wake up? People like Clayton Blizzard are free to roam our country saying anything they like, but if I were to ambush him in a pub toilet and beat him mercilessly, I would probably go to jail – it's political correctness gone mad", said a former neighbour of the tubby young rapper.
"It seems that any free-thinking radical with a guitar and a sarcastic expression is free to claim dole to fund their drink habit, but I can't get a dentist appointment for three weeks – where's the justice in that?" added the man, who appeared to have been drinking heavily.
Clayton Blizzard's debut album, A Criminal Record, has been on sale to impressionable youths as far afield as England, Scotland, Ireland, Germany, the USA, Brazil and Australia. The album, which has been attracting interest from record companies eager to capitalise on the rapper/singer's tainted worldview and scruffy ideals, is a DIY effort made outside the usual channels of commercial scrutiny and media censorship. Children across the world are now at risk from Blizzard's foul language and subversive rants.
Parents' groups have blamed Mr and Mrs Blizzard for their son's precocious talent, as they encouraged him from a young age to play folk music and sing songs about Irish rebellions against the British.
Clayton Blizzard's former school – St. Thomas More RC Comprehensive in Horfield, Bristol – were quick to distance themselves from the foul-mouthed, self-effacing buffoon. Former Head Ian Maiden claimed that he was "certainly not popular" among staff at the school and that he "definitely wasn't good enough for the school football team. And I'm sure he never even kissed a girl."